I am tryin to be so patient and not sure how much longer I can be patient and positive. We get our hopes up and they get let down time after time and by person after person, but yet we are expected to sit and continue to be positive and upbeat through all of this. I always try to see the positive in any situation, it makes for a better let down in the end, but if it is a good ending then all is well.
We have had numerous opportunities to live all over the country and we have taken advantage of that. We have had SO much fun, moving and having the time of our lives traveling with our kids. My husband and I wanted our children to experience different people and different places with us. We have basically lived out lives backwards. Normally people wait until their kids are older to travel alone, we wanted to be able to travel with our kids and that is what we did. We have "family" but most of the time they only want to be "family" when it's convenient for them. Sickning, in my opinion. When ever anyone needs anything from us we do our best to be there for them and to do what we can and we get just the opposite in return.
At this point we are done with all of it and all of them. It's time for us to go. Living near our "families" really is like living a world away at times. Again, no one wants anything to do with us unless it benefits them in some way. We have given people plenty of chances to be in our lives and plenty of opportunityies after living in this area on and off (but steady for the last 6 years) for 16 years now. If anything bad happens to us normally we keep it to ourselves and deal with it the best way we know how. If something good happens to us, most of the time we do the same thing unless it involves us leaving the state.
At this point we want to leave and we both know that moving is the best for us emotionally and job wise. When we told our family they have never said "That's great for you and the family that you are trying to get ahead in life no matter how you can." NOTHING! We get the, long awkward silence, and the stares off into space. Then someone that we are telling usually changes the subject somehow. Really sucks that no one can be happy for us, but yet we are considered rude if we don't jump for joy and carry on the conversation for an hour about life changing experiences that happen to them.
At this point, my husband is up for a job that could do a lot of GREAT things for us. He has interviewed with 3 of the top people in this company and now we play the waiting game to see if he gets it or not. I am tryin so hard to be positive but honestly if he doesn't get this position I will literally be devastated bc I don't know how much longer I can take this screwed up place and the people in it anymore.
Perfect!
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Rambles.....
I am beyond baffled at how many people make the choice to ignore what is really important to the rest of us. Whether it is someone that you are close to in real life or someone that you are close to on Facebook, if that is even really possible to do on FB!?! People just don't give a shit about anyone but themselves anymore. You post something so ignorant on FB and all these people have something to say about it but you post something that actually matters to you or it's relevant in the world and no one wants to touch it with a 10ft pole! So sad to see how people really are and if "Ugly" is a color, well, their true colors are shinning through.
Growing up my whole life, all I wanted was someone to love me, to pay attention to me and not put me down as I felt that happened to me at home on a daily basis as a child. Then I grew up, and still I sit here waiting for someone to make me a priority in their life. I do believe that me "searching" for this "love" for the first 13 years of my life is what got me into the abusive relationship with the first asshole I was married to in the first place.
Even with all of this, with all of the shit that I have been through in my life and I am thankful for my current husband of 17 years. He does try to put me as a priority most of the time, and no matter what I want or need he does come running with any provisions he has to make me happy. So for that I am truly grateful. What baffles me is that, I have always been there for my family, my siblings, my kids and now even my Grandson.....out of the dozens of hundreds of people I have met all over this country throughout my 35 years on this earth and all I can seem to have care about me is one person. Most people would say, "Well that is all you need is one person!". Yes, for me he is all I need, but I still get so frustrated at how truly screwed up my "family" is. Nothing is perfect but my "family" is really messed up so bad.
When it all boils down to it I guess I am so pissed off because, I am taking this whole "Sin by Silence" domestic abuse cause seriously for the first time in my life. I walked away from the abuse 17 years ago and honestly I don't think that I have really come to terms with the magnitude of what actually took place on a daily basis. I have always put a smile on my face and that in turn, hid my tears and pain. I still have nightmares of being in that relationship quite often. Just trying to come to terms with such a huge and horrible part of my life is hard for me bc I am the one that is supposed to always have it together, I am always to be the "sound mind" in any given situation. I just want for once in my life for something that I am passionate about, to be a passion for someone else that is "close" to me.
Growing up my whole life, all I wanted was someone to love me, to pay attention to me and not put me down as I felt that happened to me at home on a daily basis as a child. Then I grew up, and still I sit here waiting for someone to make me a priority in their life. I do believe that me "searching" for this "love" for the first 13 years of my life is what got me into the abusive relationship with the first asshole I was married to in the first place.
Even with all of this, with all of the shit that I have been through in my life and I am thankful for my current husband of 17 years. He does try to put me as a priority most of the time, and no matter what I want or need he does come running with any provisions he has to make me happy. So for that I am truly grateful. What baffles me is that, I have always been there for my family, my siblings, my kids and now even my Grandson.....out of the dozens of hundreds of people I have met all over this country throughout my 35 years on this earth and all I can seem to have care about me is one person. Most people would say, "Well that is all you need is one person!". Yes, for me he is all I need, but I still get so frustrated at how truly screwed up my "family" is. Nothing is perfect but my "family" is really messed up so bad.
When it all boils down to it I guess I am so pissed off because, I am taking this whole "Sin by Silence" domestic abuse cause seriously for the first time in my life. I walked away from the abuse 17 years ago and honestly I don't think that I have really come to terms with the magnitude of what actually took place on a daily basis. I have always put a smile on my face and that in turn, hid my tears and pain. I still have nightmares of being in that relationship quite often. Just trying to come to terms with such a huge and horrible part of my life is hard for me bc I am the one that is supposed to always have it together, I am always to be the "sound mind" in any given situation. I just want for once in my life for something that I am passionate about, to be a passion for someone else that is "close" to me.
Monday, March 26, 2012
Sin by Silence
Last week, while running around and taking care of my Grandson I passed by the TV in a huge rush to get some more running around done, a Documentary was on, I had missed most of it but what I did catch was appalling. The documentary was called "Sin By Silence", about Domestic Violence and the women that have suffered the ultimate repercussions of this. They were older women in prison for killing their abusers. With in seconds of watching this show literally brought me to tears. All of the pain, the terror, the hurt, and the memories came flooding back in such volume that I really didn't know what to do at the time but stand there in front of the TV crying.
This could have been me, in prison, with no one to listen to me, to be just thrown away like a piece of trash for simply tryin to survive. I am a SURVIVOR of domestic violence, my ex- husband beat the hell out of me, he raped me and verbally abused me everyday from the time I was barely 14 until I was 18. Those almost 5 years were the worst of my life and I really don't know how I am still alive to write this now. The worst part, EVERYONE knew he was doing this to me and NO ONE did a damn thing about it. My parents didn't do anything, the police, Dr's that put my broken bones back together, everyone knew and no one did anything until my Dad just couldn't ignore the situation any longer and he is the one that made the phone call to my ex-husbands Chaplain with his unit in the Army. Yes, my ex-husband was in the Army, and yes, the Army knew he was doing this to me also, and nothing was done on their part either. At the time I left my ex-husband, I had 2 small children one was barely 3 and the other was not even a month old yet, I had nothing, I took nothing with me except for my children. The feeling of fear and loniless that I felt walking out that door, I will never EVER forget. I was 1900 miles from home and I was determined to not show up at my Mom or Dad's door and admit defeat no matter how many permanent bone fractures I had, no matter how many times my ex-husband found me and stalked me. I was determined to make it! By no means have I made "it" but so far I have accomplished what I set out to do.
To hear these women talk about their experiences with their survival process brought so many painful memories back that I just couldn't ignore it any longer I had to take action. I found the "Sins By Silence" FB page and signed the petition for lawmakers to take notice that YES, there are ppl out there that do deserve to be in prison, but we REALLY need to stop and take notice that there are women out there that DO NOT deserve to be treated like this and DO NOT deserve to be put in prison for defending themselves. It's complete and utter bullshit. I went to the FB page and that gave me a link to sign a petition, I signed, but for me that was not good enough....after thinking about this FOR DAYS, I am going to write those women in prison and let them know that they are not alone, there are ppl out here that are behind them and think about how that could have been me sitting in that cell and how I would want ANYONE to support me.
I will get back to more details about my story a little later but if you would like to join in the fight against Domestic Violence please feel free to comment on this or contact me and I will give you more details! Thanks for reading...until next time!
This could have been me, in prison, with no one to listen to me, to be just thrown away like a piece of trash for simply tryin to survive. I am a SURVIVOR of domestic violence, my ex- husband beat the hell out of me, he raped me and verbally abused me everyday from the time I was barely 14 until I was 18. Those almost 5 years were the worst of my life and I really don't know how I am still alive to write this now. The worst part, EVERYONE knew he was doing this to me and NO ONE did a damn thing about it. My parents didn't do anything, the police, Dr's that put my broken bones back together, everyone knew and no one did anything until my Dad just couldn't ignore the situation any longer and he is the one that made the phone call to my ex-husbands Chaplain with his unit in the Army. Yes, my ex-husband was in the Army, and yes, the Army knew he was doing this to me also, and nothing was done on their part either. At the time I left my ex-husband, I had 2 small children one was barely 3 and the other was not even a month old yet, I had nothing, I took nothing with me except for my children. The feeling of fear and loniless that I felt walking out that door, I will never EVER forget. I was 1900 miles from home and I was determined to not show up at my Mom or Dad's door and admit defeat no matter how many permanent bone fractures I had, no matter how many times my ex-husband found me and stalked me. I was determined to make it! By no means have I made "it" but so far I have accomplished what I set out to do.
To hear these women talk about their experiences with their survival process brought so many painful memories back that I just couldn't ignore it any longer I had to take action. I found the "Sins By Silence" FB page and signed the petition for lawmakers to take notice that YES, there are ppl out there that do deserve to be in prison, but we REALLY need to stop and take notice that there are women out there that DO NOT deserve to be treated like this and DO NOT deserve to be put in prison for defending themselves. It's complete and utter bullshit. I went to the FB page and that gave me a link to sign a petition, I signed, but for me that was not good enough....after thinking about this FOR DAYS, I am going to write those women in prison and let them know that they are not alone, there are ppl out here that are behind them and think about how that could have been me sitting in that cell and how I would want ANYONE to support me.
I will get back to more details about my story a little later but if you would like to join in the fight against Domestic Violence please feel free to comment on this or contact me and I will give you more details! Thanks for reading...until next time!
Thursday, March 22, 2012
Starting out
Well, this is my first online blog ever, after reading through a few I thought that I would give it a try. For the last 22 years I have kept journal's in every way possible but never even thought about doing an online blog until now.
This blog will contain just about everything you could possibly think of....my life, my opinions and thoughts, my life's experiences, my frustration and happiness, current news and events, people in my life, family, kids, recipes, TV shows...you name it, it will be in here. If you are at all sensitive to harsh language, reality and the truth of everything you may just want to skip this and continue to the next blog. I will NOT be censoring my language in this, I will NOT be sugar coating ANYTHING. So move on if you can not handle that. If you choose to stay and read or follow me please feel free to leave comments and thoughts on the current post.
Thanks and Happy Reading!
This blog will contain just about everything you could possibly think of....my life, my opinions and thoughts, my life's experiences, my frustration and happiness, current news and events, people in my life, family, kids, recipes, TV shows...you name it, it will be in here. If you are at all sensitive to harsh language, reality and the truth of everything you may just want to skip this and continue to the next blog. I will NOT be censoring my language in this, I will NOT be sugar coating ANYTHING. So move on if you can not handle that. If you choose to stay and read or follow me please feel free to leave comments and thoughts on the current post.
Thanks and Happy Reading!
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